Hey, whas' up? My name is Felix. If you're a rat and you think you can take me, give it your best shot. I'm the toughest, roughest rodent, west of the Mississippi. I'll kick yous butt up and down and enjoy a nice door frame two seconds later. Yous hear me?

My brother Oscar is about the only one who can take me, so I don't mess with him too much. He pretends to be all quiet and lovey dovey. I knows the real Oscar. He's a mean rodent.

Me? I loves the apples. Oh yeah, those red fruits of joy are my favorites. If I could smoke, I'd smoke apples. Not that I don't smoke because it's unhealthy. I don't smoke because I'm a rat. I don't have the capabilities to light a match and hold a cigarette. What are you, dumb or some 'em? But if I could...oh man.

I love wood. Wood on drawers. Wood on doors. Wood on floors. Yeah, my owner Dan puts those little wood things in my cage. I'll give it a good gnaw on occasion. But there's nothing like a nice, fresh door frame to get my juices flowing. You knows what I mean? If I was human, I'd probably be a carpenter. Then I'd get fired because while the others are putting up the frame for the bedroom, I'm off on the other side of the site chewing on a two-by-four.

Oscar

Hi! I'm Oscar. I'm the blood brother of Felix and step-brother of numerous other rodents. I love humans. Humans have always been good to me. In fact, I wish I could be around humans all day. My owner Dan gives me cool stuff all the time. When people come over to our place, they always hold me and pet me. Man, I love that!

You know what else I love? Pooping. It's fun. I love to poop on the rug, on the bed, on the desk, the bookcase or anywhere. Pooping is fun. Yeah, I'd have to say it's probably my favorite hobby. Then, I like peeing. That's fun too. Not as much as pooping, but almost. I love to mark my territory everywhere. I especially love to pee on humans. Dan doesn't seem to like it too much, but I think he's fooling. How could he not like it? I mean, I PEED on him! I would think anyone would love that!

Greetings. My name is Luke. Cool Hand Luke. I'm the third oldest of the rat clan here at Dan's house. I like to think of myself as not just a little more intellectual than the others, but a bit more active too. I can beat them all in any game, and win any wrestling match on top. Well, except for maybe Felix. He's a little too rough, sometimes. But I get to places Felix hasn't figured out how to do, yet. I spend a lot of time in the window sill. The others don't realize how nice it is up there. I can hide treats that they never find. It's nice and warm and whenever I'm in the mood, I'll chew up the curtain. Yes. A curtain tastes pretty good.

I can get in and out of many areas. I, so far, was the only rat of the clan to figure out how to climb on top of the chest of drawers. Those other imbeciles. There I am, finding some of Dan's treats, all for myself, while they're all down on the floor wrestling over a piece of lettuce.

Luke

Hi. My name is Monty. My name is Monty. I'm an excellent driver. I got sick a while back. Real sick. Dan says I don't have all my marbles. I'm an excellent driver, an excellent driver. I like to play. I wish I could play 24 hours a day. A candy bar is about a hundred dollars. A new car is about a hundred dollars.

I usually spend most of my time with Claude. We're about the same age. Yeah, the same age. My name is Monty. I can't climb too well. I fall down a lot. But I feel good. Dan gives me lots of treats. If I slow down enough, I enjoy them. He got his underwear at K-Mart. 240 toothpicks, yeah. 240 toothpicks.

Uh, hi. I'm Claude. I live at Dan's house with the other rats. You might think I'm wimpy, but I'm not. Just because Felix scares the living crap out of me doesn't make me a wimp. Hey, I wasn't put on this earth to fight. I was put on here to juggle. But, since I'm a rat, it's pretty much impossible. Besides, when I start to practice my juggling, like with, let's say peanuts; I forget I'm supposed to be juggling and I end up eating them. But man, I hate Felix. He's, uh, you know, a bully. Dan said Felix was going to get fixed. Why do they call it fixed? If he's getting his "boys" cut off, wouldn't that make him broken? Supposedly, that will calm him down. I know one thing. If that's true, I'm going to pimpslap him a couple times.

Another cool thing is I'm no longer the baby of the group. Even though I'm, uh, about a week younger than that goof Monty, I was still the baby. But now that Brooks lives with us, he's the baby. And man, I love to smell his butt. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just a "good friend" thing. What? You're going to tell me humans don't do that? Come on. You're going to tell me you don't go to work, see your friend, say hi, sniff his butt, then go your separate ways? Yeah, right.